i'm a crazy welsh person (who grew up and lives in switzerland)

Monday, March 31, 2008

The Moment

This is it. The moment I've been waiting for. The moment I've been working towards, hoping for, praying for for the past five and a half years, never really daring to believe it would ever actually happen.

I've printed the three mandatory copies. I've just finished binding the third copy. I walk the length of the hall to my supervisor's office. I've walked past it. I go back one door. No. Still the wrong name. I turn back again. Two doors down is Felix's office. That can't be right. I must still be too far. I reverse direction a third time.
This time I peer carefully at each door, I know it's one of the offices along here, I've had weekly meetings here for the last six months!

Finally. I've found it. I knock. I walk in and hand him the three copies. We speak. Who knows what, I am lost in this fog.

I have completed my master's degree. It's here. The moment I've been dreaming of. And yet, for the last week or so it's been a moment I've dreaded almost as much as I've desired it. No, not because I haven't found a job yet. I'm fine with that. I have a job at McDonald's for as long as I need it. No. That's not what's been scaring me.

What now?

Not 'Where does my life go from here?'
Not 'How should I spend this week?'

These questions will work themselves out. I have plans, even some answers. It will all be fine. As long as I get past...

What now? What RIGHT NOW?

I have spent the last two weeks, no, more, at the computer. Not a single day in the last 20 that I have not been here at this desk at university, working on this project. I haven't slept properly for months. I haven't been drinking coffee, I even managed to wean myself off Red Bull and I only started drinking tea by the pot this last week. Even so, I am seriously sleep deprived. I have a stabbing pain all down the right side of my head. It's been my constant companion for the
last few weeks. I don't think it was here before. It's hard to remember.


I'm relieved. I can feel it deep down, where I've locked it away for fear of its enormity. If I let it out, I'll be overwhelmed. I can feel my heartbeat in the back of my neck.

I'm serious. What do I do? Help me!

If I let go, what will happen?

Yesterday I thought when the time came I would feel the need to run up and down the streets like a mad thing shouting 'I win! I win!'

Yesterday I thought when the time came I would feel like jumping out of the window and flying away. (Exhilaration could be a dangerous thing)

Yesterday I thought I would feel like lying on the floor and crying.

Today I just feel the need to lie on the floor and never get up. Ever.

I feel numb. And yet not numb. This state I'm in... it's beyond my ability to express it.

I know there is only one way to escape this state. I have to let go. I have to let myself think about the fact that after five and a half long years I have completed my degree. I must accept the relief, the joy, the recklessness, the exhilaration, no matter how dangerous. For surely this is worse.

I move my head to look through the window. I observe the movement as if from outside myself. Surely this is worse.

I'm scared.
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