I am NOT SWISS and I DON'T SOUND SWISS either!

dani, (the guy sitting across from me finishing his master thesis) just ran a search on synonyms for 'simple'. he was a bit surprised at the results. it's such a great list of insults that i just had to check it out:


dimwit, doofus, nitwit, half-wit - a stupid incompetent person

dingbat - a silly empty-headed person; "you would be a dingbat even to try it"; "yet here he was with an upper class dingbat who just happened to be married to his sister"

boob, booby, pinhead, dope, dumbbell, dummy - an ignorant or foolish person

fool, muggins, saphead, tomfool, sap - a person who lacks good judgment

changeling, cretin, half-wit, idiot, imbecile, moron, retard - a person of subnormal intelligence


i particularly like the second example usage for dingbat. wtf?

check out the full list at the free dictionary :-)

Labels: chuckles, links, uni, words

I rear-ended a car this morning.

So there we are, alongside the road and slowly the driver gets out of his car. . .and you know how you just-get-sooo-stressed and life-stuff seems to get funny?

Yeah, well, I could NOT believe it. . . he was a DWARF!

He storms over to my car, looks up at me and says, 'I AM NOT HAPPY!'

So, I look down at him and say, 'Well, which one are you then?'

. . and well, that's when the fight started . .

www.funny-haha.co.uk

Labels: chuckles, fun, jokes

monster's just sent me it's weekly collection of jobs i might be interested in. it's definitely getting better at deciding what i'd like. but the latest one made me laugh: the actual title of the job:

Microelectronic designer (incl company car)

are they trying to employ a company car? ;-)

Labels: bizarre, chuckles, job search

i've survived the ten year old aspirin, surely that proves i have super powers ;-) or maybe the guardian angel of all morons spends just spends such a lot of time rescuing me from myself, that a bit of rotten aspirin's a doddle ;-)

i'm not completely better, but i didn't get a headache today (even without any aspirin) and i'm hoping to be miles better on monday and back to my usual perfect self on tuesday, ready for the first match of the week...

anyway, here're my results for which superhero are you?. it's weird, i'm sure it never asked whether i was male or female :-S maybe i am a bit like a female, eh pij? :-)

Your results:
You are Supergirl
Lean, muscular and feminine.
Honest and a defender of the innocent.

Supergirl		82%
Robin		80%
Spider-Man		80%
Iron Man		75%
Superman		65%
Hulk		60%
The Flash		60%
Green Lantern		55%
Catwoman		55%
Batman		55%
Wonder Woman		52%

Click here to take the Superhero Personality Quiz


----------------------

part 2:

i just made tim take the superhero test and thought i'd realised how it worked out it should make me female as i saw the questions again: my answers to the two questions 'do you sometimes wear a pushup bra?' and 'do you often wear thongs' clearly branded me as either female or a man who'd be happy to be called superwoman ;-)

BUT... tim's results appeared...

You are Supergirl
Lean, muscular and feminine.
Honest and a defender of the innocent.

Supergirl		73%
Hulk		70%
Superman		70%
Green Lantern		70%
Robin		67%
The Flash		65%
Batman		55%
Wonder Woman		53%
Iron Man		40%
Spider-Man		35%
Catwoman		35%

*falls off chair laughing*
"i'd rather be cat woman than supergirl!" mutters a highly offended tim... [he would like it to be added that he has never worn and doesn't intend to ever wear a bra or a thong!!!]

what fun :-D

Labels: bizarre, chuckles, family, fun, links, random, sicky vicky

i know it's late. or rather, early. it's tim's brother... oops, maybe the vodka has affected me a little bit ;-) it's tim, my brother's birthday today. z came round and we got a load of vodka (only the premixed sweet not-so-strong stuff) from the petrol garage (yes, i feel guilty drinking with a 16 year old. crap. but who died and made me the responsible adult? i'm not, i don't want to be, it's not my fault i'm suddenly 24... bah!) and played settlers (the board game).

fun evening, and we've ended up with an impressive amount of booze. we were a bit greedy when we bought it, but luckily we were not actually stupid enough to try to make a dent in it ;-)

when tim went to take z home, i continued in my ally mcbeal reruns. oops, come to think of it, i just watched the whole second half of the first series! no wonder i'm still up at this time!

anyway, i just discovered the most hilarious moment ever! i cried laughing! then i rewound it and got the hiccups from laughing so hard :-)

it's almost at the end of the last episode of season one. build-up: john cage defends his cousin (willie garson, i know him best from his role as carrie's gay friend stanford in sex and the city) who goes round whacking people on the head with a paddle (for kayaking or something) and claims to be a kind of cupid: crisis brings people closer, by whacking one half of a coupld he speeds up the courtship process... he's found guilty, the sentence will be jail time upwards of six months (but isn't set yet)

ally is standing in the hall in the courthouse with (really hot) bobby donnell (played by dylan mcdermott, yumm *g*), who is trying to tell her that he'd like to go out with her, but he can't, too much baggage and other stuff going on. suddenly you see this huge paddle looming behind him and he gets whacked on the head with it!
next thing you see john cage dragging away his cousin who's yelling 'he was neutral!'

you probably have to see it to get it. tears of laughter... :-D

Labels: chuckles, drinking, tv

i had to watch this two or three time to be sure what just happened :-) can't stop laughing

Labels: chuckles, YouTube

what an analogy :-D

Labels: chuckles, drinking, YouTube

Labels: chuckles, YouTube

Or Things to do, so your wife stops asking you to go shopping with her.

1. Take boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they weren't looking.

2. Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the rest rooms.

4. Walked up to an employee and told her in an official tone, 'Code 3' in housewares..... And watch what happens.

5. Go to the Service Desk and complain that the bag M&M's has too many green ones.

6. Move the 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. Set up a tent in the camping department and invite other shoppers in if they'll bring pillows from the bedding department.

8. When a clerk asks if they can help you, begin to cry and ask "Why can't you people just leave me alone?'

9. Look right into the security camera; used it as a mirror, and pick your nose.

10. Go to a knife department, and ask the clerk if he knows where the antidepressants are.

11. Run around the store suspiciously loudly humming the "Mission Impossible" theme.

12. In the cooking department, practiced his "Madonna look" using different size funnels.

13. Hide in a clothing rack and when people browse through, yell "PICK ME! PICK ME!"

14. When an announcement comes over the loud speaker, assume the fetal position and scream "NO! NO! It's those voices again!!!!"

(And; last, but not least!)
15. Go into a fitting room, shut the door and wait awhile; then, yell, very loudly, "There is no toilet paper in here!"

www.funny-haha.co.uk

Labels: chuckles

an old schoolfriend of mine's joined the group 'you know you're swiss when...' which sounded amusing, so i had a look at it. there's a list of 34 endings to the title, and tragically at least half of them are applicable to me! nooooo!!!! i'm not swiss, so there! not joining that group!

there's a link to a youtube video: sick of the swiss haha :)

and here's the list of 34 things that characterise the swiss (and some people who've grown up in switzerland but definitely aren't swiss!)

You know you're Swiss when...
1. you complain if your bus/train/tram is more than 5 minutes late. Make that 1 minute
2. you've ever been confused with a Swede
3. you laugh when Americans believe that Swiss Miss is a Swiss product, but then have no clue that Nestlé and Rolex ARE
4. you get frustrated if you go grocery shopping abroad and there aren't at least 10 different kinds of chocolate and 15 kinds of cheese available
5. you have learned three to four languages and think this is completely normal
6. you have ever been asked - upon stating your nationality - whether you live in the mountains
7. you can pronounce "Chuchichäschtli" and you know what it means
8. you have ever been asked who the president of Switzerland is and then failed miserably trying to explain why you've lost track
9. you know what "Röschti" are and you have crossed the "Röschtigrabe" at some point
10. you went to a state-funded ski camp every year with your classmates in high school
11. to you, skis are like the extensions of your feet, because you've skied since you could walk
12. you are amused when people ask you what language (singular???) is spoken in your home country
13. you owned a Swatch growing up... or still do
14. you've ever seen "Sandmännchen" dubbed into Romansch
15. as a female, you give all your friends three kisses on the cheeks as a greeting
16. you love Migros and you swear that some of their products are better than anything you've ever seen elsewhere
17. you've ever been asked by your non-Swiss friends to intervene in a fight and used "hey, I'm Swiss" as an excuse not to
18. your country has six different public television channels in three different languages - and you don't think this is unusual
19. you get amused when you see Swiss German people being subtitled on German television
20. you firmly believe it is more important to do things accurately than to do them quickly
21. you were legally allowed to drink beer and wine at the age of sixteen
22. you walked to kindergarten without supervision, wearing a large orange triangle around your neck
23. you think that Switzerland may eventually join the EU, but you're not truly in favor of that
24. when you are asked to explain how certain things work in your country, you have to use the phrase "it differs for each canton, so..."
25. you are asked to vote on a "Referendum" or "Initiative" at least 3 or 4 times a year
26. you are used to drinking from any public fountain in the street unless there is a warning sign that says "no drinking water"
27. you grew up believing all cows must wear bells
28. you think that driving somewhere for four hours is a hell of a long time
29. you get slightly irritated or at least confused if your foreign visitors ask to see a chocolate factory
30. you know what Betty Bossy books and products are and have bought one
31. you know someone that collects the tin foil lids coffee cream tubs
32. you don't see where the problem is when every male citizen who has been to the army has a machine gun under his bed
33. you have to pay twice the price for museum entries because you're not a citizen of the EU, although you live in Europe!
34. you are in a non-European country and can hear people talking Swiss German and just go up and strike up a conversation with a complete stranger

Labels: chuckles, facebook, YouTube

i love this sunday's comic :-D

the hyenas are a cleverer version of the crocs :) (ok, and they don't want to eat 'zeeba') but the crocs are really cute :-D so pathetically useless at being cunning :-D

Labels: chuckles, links

i know they're old, but i just adore them so!!!

i want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.

I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage, and their 18 year old son is continually banging his balls against my fence.

I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I think it was bad wind the other night that blew them off.

My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand.

I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall.

Will you please send someone to mend the garden path. My wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant. We are getting married in September and we would like it in the garden before we move into the house.

I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.

50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster and the rest are plain filthy.

I am still having problems with smoke in my new drawers.

The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared.

Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny colour and not fit to drink.

Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces.

Would you please send a man to repair my spout. I am an old age pensioner and need it badly.

I want to complain about the farmer across the road; every morning at 6am his cock wakes me up, and its now getting too much for me.

The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.

Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third so please send someone round to do something about it.

I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do something about the noise made by the man I have on top of me every night.

Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife.

I have had the clerk of the works down on the floor six times but I still have no satisfaction.

This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broken and we can’t get BBC2.

My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has fungus growing in it,

… and he’s got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can't take it anymore.

... that is his excuse for dogs mess that I find hard to swallow.


www.funny-haha.co.uk

Labels: chuckles

I’ve been tidying up my room today. Since I seem to have ended up doing it more thoroughly than usual, I keep coming across things I’d either forgotten about or thought I’d long since thrown away. For instance my original signed Spice Girls picture that Marion got for me one time when Emma (Baby Spice) visited the ward Marion was working on. I’m sure Marion won’t mind if I flog it on EBay. It’s spent its whole "life" in one cupboard or another. Don’t get me wrong, I was really chuffed about it, it was just that I had no idea what one did with an autographed picture of a band one quite likes… It was one of the things I thought I’d probably thrown away in the end ;-)
Other things include a diary containing embarrassing ten year old confessions and whingeings and also some mind-boggling poetry which I might publish in a future post (might need to create a new label ‘cringe’ for it). And also a little magical tale I wrote for English class once upon a time. I guess I must have been around fourteen or fifteen. I vaguely remember the point being to practice using adjectives. Remember this was in Switzerland, the rest of the class needed to learn English (although judging from some of the spelling and some of the bizarre sentences, so did I!). Anyway, there was a minimum number of different adjectives you had to use in your tale… (that’s my excuse and I’m sticking to it!)

Magic (No, clearly I didn’t spend too long thinking up an original title for my masterpiece)

Once upon a time, many centuries ago in a deep dark forest there was a little cottage in which a very old man with a long white beard lived. With him lived a tame eagle who guarded the house for him.

In the woods around the cottage there housed a big dangerous wolf. He had come from another forest near a huge castle in a little neighbouring kingdom named Grinokia. The wolf was a good friend of a nasty old witch who lived near the river on the other side of the woods.

In the very centre of the forest, where the trees were the thickest and it was as dark as night, there was a big cave. At the very back of this cave, where if you looked back you couldn’t see the entrance, the wolf had hidden an immense treasure which he had stolen from the castle. The most memorable object was a magic sword. It was long and thin but made of a strong material that was impossible to break. Embedded in the hilt was a beutifully clear blue sapphire. Because of the rich green glow that surrounded the whole sword it was obvious even to a person who knew nothing about such things that this was a very powerful magic object. But although the blue stone in the middle of it and the rare material made the weapon very costly, the most valuable piece of treasure was a small ring. It was made of pure gold and in the middle, surrounded by ten small but clear emeralds was the most lovely ruby you have ever seen.

Now in the middle of the same river the witch lived by, there was a little island. In the tunnels under the island there housed a cruel and greedy dragon who lived on the rats, mice and rabbits he found in the tunnels. On lucky days he might come across a mole or a badger but badgers were seldom in that part of the world. For years the dragon had tried to steal the treasure but because of the magic spell the witch had woven over it he had never succeeded. But now after he had journey a long way to find another witch who could break the spell he had a magic ring that had been given to him in the top room of a tower in a very distant land on the other side of a vast ocean.

So the dragon crept through the tunnels to the cave and touched the treasure. Immediatly the dragon was turned intoa beautiful princess. As she now remembered what had happened she took the magic sword in her arms and ran though the forest to the cottage. When she got there she called the bird inside and gave the old man the sword. Inmidst a great clap of thunder he changed back into a prince and the bird vanished. The prince lifted the sword and there, in the sapphire was ingraved the picture of a proud eagle in full flight.

On the dragon’s island there lived a small frog who had been instructed by the eagle to keep an eye on the great scaley beast. So he had followed the dragon everywhere, even over the sea on his flying carpet. Of course he had seen what had happened to the dragon the old man and the eagle and he decided to go and tell the prince’s father that his son was safe and sound and that he was bringing his bride back to the castle to get married. So the faithful frog got on his magic carpet and set off to look for the king. Quite soon he saw the royal carriage beneath him and asked the carpet to fly lower. When a flying carpet with a frog sitting on it swooped down on the carriage out of nowhere the king and his followers were most startled. But as the frog tried to climb through the window, the king began to screach. “Help! Help! Get it off!” he yelled. At once the royal guards attacked but the frog was already inside. “Please, your Majesty I have news of your son.” The king almost fainted: “Oh my sainted aunt, it speaks!” Then, as he realised what the frog had said: “My son? What of him? How is he?” As quickly as he could, the frog explained the situation. The royal horses were made to go their fastest so that the king would be back at the castle before the prince. Once he had arrived there the king set all his servants to preparing the wedding. As soon as the young couple arrived the wedding sermon began.
They had many sweet children and lived happily ever after.

Goodness me!
I’ve purposely copied the original spelling, phrasing and punctuation for maximum entertainment value, but man it was hard not to correct it! And the temptation to write scathing comments everywhere… astronomical! But I decided (very reluctantly) not to disturb the flow. But I’m sure you can imagine the missing asides more or less accurately…

Labels: chuckles, i'm special, literary genius?

Dear Alcohol,

First & foremost, let me tell you that I'm a huge fan of yours. As my friend, you always seem to be there when needed. The perfect post-work cocktail, a beer at the game, and you're even around in the holidays, hidden inside chocolates as you warm us when we're stuck in the midst of endless family gatherings. However, lately I've been wondering about your intentions. While I want to believe that you have my best interests at heart, I feel that your influence has led to some unwise consequences:

1. Phone calls: While I agree with you that communication is important, I question the suggestion that any conversation of substance or necessity takes place after 2 a.m. Why would you make me call those ex-boyfriends/girlfriends when I know for a fact they do not want to hear from me during the day, let alone all hours of the night?

2. Eating: Now, you know I love a good meal, but why do you suggest that I eat a kebab, a butter chicken curry along with a sausage with cheese, onion and mustard (washed down with WINE & topped off with a Kit Kat after a few sweet chilli and sour cream red rock chips)? I'm an eclectic eater, but I think you went too far this time.

3. Clumsiness: Unless you're subtly trying to tell me that I need to do more yoga to improve my balance, I see NO need to hammer the issue home by causing me to fall down. It's completely unnecessary, and the black & blue marks that appear on my body mysteriously the next day are beyond me. Similarly, it should never take me more than 45 seconds to get the front door key into the lock.

4. Furthermore: The hangovers have GOT to stop. This is getting ridiculous. I know a little penance for our previous evening's debauchery may be in order, but the 3pm hangover immobility is completely unacceptable. My entire day is shot. I ask that, if the proper precautions are taken (water, Vitamin B, bread products, aspirin) prior to going to sleep/passing out face down on the kitchen floor with a bag of popcorn, the hangover should be minimal & in no way Interfere with my daily activities.

Alcohol, I have enjoyed our friendship for some years now & would like to ensure that we remain on good terms. You've been the invoker of great stories, the provocation for much laughter, and the needed companion when I just don't know what to do with the extra money in my pockets.

In order to continue this friendship, I ask that you carefully review my grievances above & address them immediately. I will look for an answer no later than Friday 3pm (pre-happy hour) on your possible solutions & hopefully we can continue this fruitful partnership.


Thank you,

Your biggest fan


www.funny-haha.co.uk

Labels: chuckles, jokes

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility.

As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5- year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English".

In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k". This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.

In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away.

By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v". During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.

Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas.

Labels: chuckles, jokes

A large and very loud American goes into a bar in Glasgow.
"I hear tell all you Scotch people are real hard drinkers." he says in a big booming voice, "Now you folks just don't know what hard drinking is! Why I'll wager a bet with any man to drink 20 shots of whisky one after the other and give you $500 dollars if you can do it."
No-one takes up the challenge. One bloke even leaves!
"Well, there ya go, sure proves my point!" the American says disgustedly. A few minutes later the guy who left comes in and says "Hey Big Man, is that bet still on?"
"Sure as hell is!" and he orders a line up of 20 glasses of whisky. The man runs along the bar, grabbing each glass and throwing back the contents, to huge cheers and the astonishment of the American. The American of course tries to do it as well, but can't pass the 17th, so he gives the bloke the $500.
"Tell me," slurs the Yank, "where did you go before you (hic!) came back in again."
"Eh? oh aye" says the man pocketing the bills,

"I went tae another pub just tae make sure Ah could dae it!"

Labels: chuckles, jokes

1. Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.
2. Got into the gene pool while the lifeguard wasn't watching.
3. A room temperature IQ.
4. Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all together.
5. A gross ignoramus--144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.
6. A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on.
7. A prime candidate for natural deselection.
8. Bright as Alaska in December.
9. One-celled organisms out score him in IQ tests.
10. Donated his body to science before he was done using it.
11. Fell out of the family tree.
12. Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.
13. Has two brains; one is lost and the other is out looking for it.
14. He is so dense, light bends around him.
15. If brains were taxed, he'd get a rebate.
16. If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.
17. If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change.
18. If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.
19. It's hard to believe that he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm.
20. One neuron short of a synapse.
21. Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled.
22. Takes him 2 hours to watch 60 minutes.
23. Wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.

Labels: chuckles

From a brochure of a car rental firm in Tokyo:

When passenger of foot beave in sight, tootle the horn. Trumpet him melodiously at first, but if he still obstacles your passage then tootle him with vigor.

Labels: chuckles, jokes

An old Scotsman is sitting with a younger Scottish gentleman and says to the boy, "Ah, lad, look out that window. You see that stone wall there? I built it with me own bare hands, placed every stone meself. But do they call me MacGregor the wall builder? No!"

He takes a few sips of his beer then says, "Aye, and look out on that lake and eye that beautiful pier. I built it meself, laid every board and hammered each nail, but do they call me MacGregor the pier builder? No!"

He continues: "And lad, you see that road? That too I build with me own bare hands. Laid every inch of pavement meself, but do they call MacGregor the road builder? No!"

Again he returns to his beer for a few sips, and then says, "Agh, but you screw one sheep..."

Labels: chuckles, jokes

i had the interview for my NI number today, so i got marion to write me a letter confirming that i'm living with them. she was really tempted to write all her letters after her name (she's a doctor, she's got letters) cause she's never got to write them all. she managed to resist the temptation. what she did was to write a second version of the letter (which i then promptly produced at the interview, but they didn't want it anyway after all that (it was probably the handwriting that scared them off, she is a doctor...)).

this is what i see when i look at it (most of it might in fact be spelt correctly, it's impossible to tell... but address is really spelt wrong: she spelt it right in the first letter and the first time in this one but she thought it looked wrong so she spelt it with only one d the second time)

To Lhon it May Concern,

This is to confrin hat Vistona Lily hoode han been resident at our hmble adbode (address an atone [as above]) sine 2/9/2006. Howeve, she is prone to absensing & returnig to hel bed in the early hovs f the mounig & nsking life & linb hy wandering the slveets f Bnstl vihar rhyme ar rewan [without rhyme or reason]. i beliene thin t be her aly adress despit this ablorrent charater flar.

Yous in platitrdes,
M.R.R**** MBBS MSc MRCP MFPH

i hope i got the letters right. not sure about that last group cause it's a bit squished, she ran out of room :-D

Labels: chuckles