I am NOT SWISS and I DON'T SOUND SWISS either!

I rear-ended a car this morning.

So there we are, alongside the road and slowly the driver gets out of his car. . .and you know how you just-get-sooo-stressed and life-stuff seems to get funny?

Yeah, well, I could NOT believe it. . . he was a DWARF!

He storms over to my car, looks up at me and says, 'I AM NOT HAPPY!'

So, I look down at him and say, 'Well, which one are you then?'

. . and well, that's when the fight started . .

www.funny-haha.co.uk

Labels: chuckles, fun, jokes

Dear Alcohol,

First & foremost, let me tell you that I'm a huge fan of yours. As my friend, you always seem to be there when needed. The perfect post-work cocktail, a beer at the game, and you're even around in the holidays, hidden inside chocolates as you warm us when we're stuck in the midst of endless family gatherings. However, lately I've been wondering about your intentions. While I want to believe that you have my best interests at heart, I feel that your influence has led to some unwise consequences:

1. Phone calls: While I agree with you that communication is important, I question the suggestion that any conversation of substance or necessity takes place after 2 a.m. Why would you make me call those ex-boyfriends/girlfriends when I know for a fact they do not want to hear from me during the day, let alone all hours of the night?

2. Eating: Now, you know I love a good meal, but why do you suggest that I eat a kebab, a butter chicken curry along with a sausage with cheese, onion and mustard (washed down with WINE & topped off with a Kit Kat after a few sweet chilli and sour cream red rock chips)? I'm an eclectic eater, but I think you went too far this time.

3. Clumsiness: Unless you're subtly trying to tell me that I need to do more yoga to improve my balance, I see NO need to hammer the issue home by causing me to fall down. It's completely unnecessary, and the black & blue marks that appear on my body mysteriously the next day are beyond me. Similarly, it should never take me more than 45 seconds to get the front door key into the lock.

4. Furthermore: The hangovers have GOT to stop. This is getting ridiculous. I know a little penance for our previous evening's debauchery may be in order, but the 3pm hangover immobility is completely unacceptable. My entire day is shot. I ask that, if the proper precautions are taken (water, Vitamin B, bread products, aspirin) prior to going to sleep/passing out face down on the kitchen floor with a bag of popcorn, the hangover should be minimal & in no way Interfere with my daily activities.

Alcohol, I have enjoyed our friendship for some years now & would like to ensure that we remain on good terms. You've been the invoker of great stories, the provocation for much laughter, and the needed companion when I just don't know what to do with the extra money in my pockets.

In order to continue this friendship, I ask that you carefully review my grievances above & address them immediately. I will look for an answer no later than Friday 3pm (pre-happy hour) on your possible solutions & hopefully we can continue this fruitful partnership.


Thank you,

Your biggest fan


www.funny-haha.co.uk

Labels: chuckles, jokes

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility.

As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5- year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English".

In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k". This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.

In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away.

By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v". During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.

Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas.

Labels: chuckles, jokes

A large and very loud American goes into a bar in Glasgow.
"I hear tell all you Scotch people are real hard drinkers." he says in a big booming voice, "Now you folks just don't know what hard drinking is! Why I'll wager a bet with any man to drink 20 shots of whisky one after the other and give you $500 dollars if you can do it."
No-one takes up the challenge. One bloke even leaves!
"Well, there ya go, sure proves my point!" the American says disgustedly. A few minutes later the guy who left comes in and says "Hey Big Man, is that bet still on?"
"Sure as hell is!" and he orders a line up of 20 glasses of whisky. The man runs along the bar, grabbing each glass and throwing back the contents, to huge cheers and the astonishment of the American. The American of course tries to do it as well, but can't pass the 17th, so he gives the bloke the $500.
"Tell me," slurs the Yank, "where did you go before you (hic!) came back in again."
"Eh? oh aye" says the man pocketing the bills,

"I went tae another pub just tae make sure Ah could dae it!"

Labels: chuckles, jokes

From a brochure of a car rental firm in Tokyo:

When passenger of foot beave in sight, tootle the horn. Trumpet him melodiously at first, but if he still obstacles your passage then tootle him with vigor.

Labels: chuckles, jokes

An old Scotsman is sitting with a younger Scottish gentleman and says to the boy, "Ah, lad, look out that window. You see that stone wall there? I built it with me own bare hands, placed every stone meself. But do they call me MacGregor the wall builder? No!"

He takes a few sips of his beer then says, "Aye, and look out on that lake and eye that beautiful pier. I built it meself, laid every board and hammered each nail, but do they call me MacGregor the pier builder? No!"

He continues: "And lad, you see that road? That too I build with me own bare hands. Laid every inch of pavement meself, but do they call MacGregor the road builder? No!"

Again he returns to his beer for a few sips, and then says, "Agh, but you screw one sheep..."

Labels: chuckles, jokes

Cat Physics

LAW OF CAT INERTIA
A cat at rest will tend to remain at rest, unless acted upon by some outside force - such as the opening of cat food, or a nearby scurrying mouse.

LAW OF CAT MOTION
A cat will move in a straight line, unless there is a really good reason to change direction.

LAW OF CAT MAGNETISM
All blue blazers and black sweaters attract cat hair in direct proportion to the darkness of the fabric.

LAW OF CAT THERMODYNAMICS
Heat flows from a warmer to a cooler body, except in the case of a cat, in which case all heat flows to the cat.

LAW OF CAT STRETCHING
A cat will stretch to a distance proportional to the length of the nap just taken.

LAW OF CAT SLEEPOMG
All cats must sleep with people whenever possible, in a position as uncomfortable for the people involved as is possible for the cat.

LAW OF CAT ELONGATION
A cat can make her body long enough to reach just about any counter top that has anything remotely interesting on it.

LAW OF CAT ACCELERATION
A cat will accelerate at a constant rate, until he gets good and ready to stop.

LAW OF DINNER TABLE ATTENDANCE
Cats must attend all meals when anything good is served.

LAW OF RUG CONFIGURATION
No rug may remain in its naturally flat state for very long.

LAW OF OBEDIENCE RESISTANCE
A cat's resistance varies in proportion to a human's desire for her to do something.

FIRST LAW OF ENERGY CONSERVATION
Cats know that energy can neither be created nor destroyed and will, therefore, use as little energy as possible.

SECOND LAW OF ENERGY CONSERVATION
Cats also know that energy can only be stored by a lot of napping.

LAW OF REFRIGERATOR OBSERVATION
If a cat watches a refrigerator long enough, someone will come along and take out something good to eat.

LAW OF ELECTRIC BLANKET ATTRACTION
Turn on an electric blanket and a cat will jump into bed at the speed of light.

LAW OF RANDOM COMFORT SEEKING
A cat will always seek, and usually take over, the most comfortable spot in any given room.

LAW OF BAG/BOX OCCUPATION
All bags and boxes in a given room must contain a cat within the earliest possible nanosecond.

LAW OF CAT EMBARRASSMENT
A cat's irritation rises in direct proportion to her embarrassment times the amount of human laughter.

LAW OF MILK CONSUMPTION
A cat will drink his weight in milk, squared, just to show you he can.

LAW OF FURNITURE REPLACEMENT
A cat's desire to scratch furniture is directly proportional to the cost of the furniture.

LAW OF CAT LANDING
A cat will always land in the softest place possible.

LAW OF FLUID DISPLACEMENT
A cat immersed in milk will displace her own volume, minus the amount of milk consumed.

LAW OF CAT DISINTEREST
A cat's interest level will vary in inverse proportion to the amount of effort a human expends in trying to interest him.

LAW OF PILL REJECTION
Any pill given to a cat has the potential energy to reach escape velocity.

LAW OF CAT COMPOSITION
A cat is composed of Matter + Anti-Matter + It Doesn't Matter.


Excerpts from a cat's diary

DAY 752 - My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that sustains me is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant.

DAY 761 - Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded, must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their chair... must try this on their bed.

DAY 765 - Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good cat I was...Hmmm. Not working according to plan.

DAY 768 - I am finally aware of how sadistic they are. For no good reason I was chosen for the water torture. This time however it included a burning foamy chemical called shampoo. What sick minds could invent such a liquid? My only consolation is the piece of thumb still stuck between my teeth.

DAY 771 - There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the foul odour of the glass tubes they call beer. More importantly I overheard that my confinement was due to MY power of allergies. Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.

DAY 774 - I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The bird on the other hand has got to be an informant, and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room his safety is assured. But I can wait; it is only a matter of time...

Labels: chuckles, jokes

God is Missing!

A couple had two little boys, ages 8 and 10, who were excessively mischievous. They were always getting into trouble and their parents knew that, if any mischief occurred in their town, their sons were probably involved.

The boys' mother heard that a clergyman in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys. The clergyman agreed, but asked to see them individually. So the mother sent her 8-year-old first, in the morning, with the older boy to see the clergyman in the afternoon.

The clergyman, a huge man with a booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly, "Where is God?”

They boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there with his mouth hanging open, wide-eyed. So the clergyman repeated the question in an even sterner tone, "Where is God!!?" Again the boy made no attempt to answer. So the clergyman raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy's face and bellowed, "WHERE IS GOD!?"

The boy screamed and bolted from the room, ran directly home and dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him. When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked, "What happened?"

The youngest brother gasped for breath and replied, "We are in BIG trouble this time dude. God is missing and they think WE did it!"


God Loves Blondes

A blonde finds herself in serious trouble. Her business has gone bust and she's in dire financial straits. She's so desperate that she decides to ask God for help. She begins to pray..."God, please help me. I've lost my business and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well. Please let me win the Lotto."

Lotto night comes, and somebody else wins it. She again prays..."God, please let me win the Lotto! I've lost my business, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well."

Lotto night comes and she still has no luck. Once again, she prays..."My God, why have You forsaken me? I've lost my business, my house, and my car. My children are starving. I don't often ask You for help, and I have always been a good servant to You. PLEASE let me win the Lotto just this one time so I can get my life back in order."

Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open. The blonde is overwhelmed by the Voice of God Himself..."Sweetheart, work with Me on this... Buy a ticket"


Elderly Drivers

Two elderly women were out driving in a large car. Both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red but they just went on through. The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself "I must be losing it, I could have sworn we just went through a red light."

After a few more minutes they came to another intersection and the light was red again and again they went right though. This time the woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous and decided to pay very close attention to the road and the next intersection to see what was going on.

At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was definitely red and they went right through and she turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred! Did you know we just ran through three red lights in a row! You could have killed us!"

Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh, am I driving?"


Heehee :-D

(I'm aware that these are all old jokes, but they're new to me, so there!)

Labels: chuckles, jokes

answers to history exams

surely those can't be real answers? the thickness!!! but then again, who could come up with this stuff on purpose ;-)

in a highschool physics test one of the questions was something like 'a power line runs from east to west (or some such, can't remember). where in switzerland will it's magnetic field be parallel to the earth's magnetic field (again or some such)?' my friend's exam came back with a large circle round the diagram she'd drawn, an arrow to the word switzerland which had been underlined a couple of times. it was quite an impressive diagram. her conclusion was 'at the equator'... umm, switzerland happens to be in europe, no equator there... :-D

Labels: chuckles, jokes

Thirteen
A young man was strolling down a street. As he passed a large building with a fence around it, he heard a group of people chanting "Thirteen, thirteen, thirteen" over and over again.

Curious, he tried to see over the fence, but couldn't. Then he spotted a hole in the wood.

He put his eye to the hole. He just managed to spy some old people sitting in deckchairs chanting, before a finger came out of nowhere and poked him in the eye. As he staggered back, the old people started chanting, "Fourteen, fourteen, fourteen..."

hehe, funny!

(source: www.jokesplace.com)

Labels: chuckles, jokes