Monday, March 31, 2008
I've printed the three mandatory copies. I've just finished binding the third copy. I walk the length of the hall to my supervisor's office. I've walked past it. I go back one door. No. Still the wrong name. I turn back again. Two doors down is Felix's office. That can't be right. I must still be too far. I reverse direction a third time.
This time I peer carefully at each door, I know it's one of the offices along here, I've had weekly meetings here for the last six months!
Finally. I've found it. I knock. I walk in and hand him the three copies. We speak. Who knows what, I am lost in this fog.
I have completed my master's degree. It's here. The moment I've been dreaming of. And yet, for the last week or so it's been a moment I've dreaded almost as much as I've desired it. No, not because I haven't found a job yet. I'm fine with that. I have a job at McDonald's for as long as I need it. No. That's not what's been scaring me.
Not 'Where does my life go from here?'
Not 'How should I spend this week?'
These questions will work themselves out. I have plans, even some answers. It will all be fine. As long as I get past...
What now? What RIGHT NOW?
I have spent the last two weeks, no, more, at the computer. Not a single day in the last 20 that I have not been here at this desk at university, working on this project. I haven't slept properly for months. I haven't been drinking coffee, I even managed to wean myself off Red Bull and I only started drinking tea by the pot this last week. Even so, I am seriously sleep deprived. I have a stabbing pain all down the right side of my head. It's been my constant companion for the
last few weeks. I don't think it was here before. It's hard to remember.
I'm relieved. I can feel it deep down, where I've locked it away for fear of its enormity. If I let it out, I'll be overwhelmed. I can feel my heartbeat in the back of my neck.
I'm serious. What do I do? Help me!
If I let go, what will happen?
Yesterday I thought when the time came I would feel the need to run up and down the streets like a mad thing shouting 'I win! I win!'
Yesterday I thought when the time came I would feel like jumping out of the window and flying away. (Exhilaration could be a dangerous thing)
Yesterday I thought I would feel like lying on the floor and crying.
Today I just feel the need to lie on the floor and never get up. Ever.
I feel numb. And yet not numb. This state I'm in... it's beyond my ability to express it.
I know there is only one way to escape this state. I have to let go. I have to let myself think about the fact that after five and a half long years I have completed my degree. I must accept the relief, the joy, the recklessness, the exhilaration, no matter how dangerous. For surely this is worse.
I move my head to look through the window. I observe the movement as if from outside myself. Surely this is worse.