LAW OF CAT INERTIA
A cat at rest will tend to remain at rest, unless acted upon by some outside force - such as the opening of cat food, or a nearby scurrying mouse.
LAW OF CAT MOTION
A cat will move in a straight line, unless there is a really good reason to change direction.
LAW OF CAT MAGNETISM
All blue blazers and black sweaters attract cat hair in direct proportion to the darkness of the fabric.
LAW OF CAT THERMODYNAMICS
Heat flows from a warmer to a cooler body, except in the case of a cat, in which case all heat flows to the cat.
LAW OF CAT STRETCHING
A cat will stretch to a distance proportional to the length of the nap just taken.
LAW OF CAT SLEEPOMG
All cats must sleep with people whenever possible, in a position as uncomfortable for the people involved as is possible for the cat.
LAW OF CAT ELONGATION
A cat can make her body long enough to reach just about any counter top that has anything remotely interesting on it.
LAW OF CAT ACCELERATION
A cat will accelerate at a constant rate, until he gets good and ready to stop.
LAW OF DINNER TABLE ATTENDANCE
Cats must attend all meals when anything good is served.
LAW OF RUG CONFIGURATION
No rug may remain in its naturally flat state for very long.
LAW OF OBEDIENCE RESISTANCE
A cat's resistance varies in proportion to a human's desire for her to do something.
FIRST LAW OF ENERGY CONSERVATION
Cats know that energy can neither be created nor destroyed and will, therefore, use as little energy as possible.
SECOND LAW OF ENERGY CONSERVATION
Cats also know that energy can only be stored by a lot of napping.
LAW OF REFRIGERATOR OBSERVATION
If a cat watches a refrigerator long enough, someone will come along and take out something good to eat.
LAW OF ELECTRIC BLANKET ATTRACTION
Turn on an electric blanket and a cat will jump into bed at the speed of light.
LAW OF RANDOM COMFORT SEEKING
A cat will always seek, and usually take over, the most comfortable spot in any given room.
LAW OF BAG/BOX OCCUPATION
All bags and boxes in a given room must contain a cat within the earliest possible nanosecond.
LAW OF CAT EMBARRASSMENT
A cat's irritation rises in direct proportion to her embarrassment times the amount of human laughter.
LAW OF MILK CONSUMPTION
A cat will drink his weight in milk, squared, just to show you he can.
LAW OF FURNITURE REPLACEMENT
A cat's desire to scratch furniture is directly proportional to the cost of the furniture.
LAW OF CAT LANDING
A cat will always land in the softest place possible.
LAW OF FLUID DISPLACEMENT
A cat immersed in milk will displace her own volume, minus the amount of milk consumed.
LAW OF CAT DISINTEREST
A cat's interest level will vary in inverse proportion to the amount of effort a human expends in trying to interest him.
LAW OF PILL REJECTION
Any pill given to a cat has the potential energy to reach escape velocity.
LAW OF CAT COMPOSITION
A cat is composed of Matter + Anti-Matter + It Doesn't Matter. Excerpts from a cat's diary
DAY 752 - My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that sustains me is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant.
DAY 761 - Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded, must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their chair... must try this on their bed.
DAY 765 - Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good cat I was...Hmmm. Not working according to plan.
DAY 768 - I am finally aware of how sadistic they are. For no good reason I was chosen for the water torture. This time however it included a burning foamy chemical called shampoo. What sick minds could invent such a liquid? My only consolation is the piece of thumb still stuck between my teeth.
DAY 771 - There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the foul odour of the glass tubes they call beer. More importantly I overheard that my confinement was due to MY power of allergies. Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.
DAY 774 - I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The bird on the other hand has got to be an informant, and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room his safety is assured. But I can wait; it is only a matter of time...
Labels: chuckles, jokes