I am NOT SWISS and I DON'T SOUND SWISS either!

mum's going to kill me! and grandma might just start me off. i've been shopping with debbie again. it wasn't quite as bad as last time, but still, i haven't got room in my bags for all the stuff i already had let alone new stuff...

but i've got a cool new hand bag :-) that can come as hand luggage. and some new shoes (only one small pair!).

ah well, could have been worse, i restrained myself. got kylie's sweet darling (i think) perfume. hope i still like it when my nose isn't blocked ;-)

Labels: shopping

i know they're old, but i just adore them so!!!

i want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.

I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage, and their 18 year old son is continually banging his balls against my fence.

I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I think it was bad wind the other night that blew them off.

My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand.

I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall.

Will you please send someone to mend the garden path. My wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant. We are getting married in September and we would like it in the garden before we move into the house.

I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.

50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster and the rest are plain filthy.

I am still having problems with smoke in my new drawers.

The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared.

Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny colour and not fit to drink.

Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces.

Would you please send a man to repair my spout. I am an old age pensioner and need it badly.

I want to complain about the farmer across the road; every morning at 6am his cock wakes me up, and its now getting too much for me.

The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.

Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third so please send someone round to do something about it.

I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do something about the noise made by the man I have on top of me every night.

Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife.

I have had the clerk of the works down on the floor six times but I still have no satisfaction.

This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broken and we can’t get BBC2.

My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has fungus growing in it,

… and he’s got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can't take it anymore.

... that is his excuse for dogs mess that I find hard to swallow.


www.funny-haha.co.uk

Labels: chuckles

last night i went out with stuart and his friends for his 21st birthday. was very good fun. we were meant to be doing a pub crawl of gloucester road, but we got stuck in the first pub until about quarter to twelve, so there was just time for one quick drink in the second pub before they closed and we had to go back to the house.

we managed to get stuart totally wankered :D he stuck to guinness all night, but they were all a little bit dirty... ;-) he seems to have survived it quite well, but then maybe he was still drunk when i left around one o'clock (this afternoon) or so ;-)

the left side of my jaw hurts something awful when i open my mouth properly: stuart was telling me this very entertaining story (i'm gutted i'm to nice to publish it here...) when i laughed so hard i seem to have pulled something... but you know what? it was funny enough to be worth it :-D

stu's friend andrew got some great photos :-) i'll have to add him as a friend on facebook so that i can see them :-D

Labels: drinking, i'm special

hurray!!!!!!!!!!

I’ve been tidying up my room today. Since I seem to have ended up doing it more thoroughly than usual, I keep coming across things I’d either forgotten about or thought I’d long since thrown away. For instance my original signed Spice Girls picture that Marion got for me one time when Emma (Baby Spice) visited the ward Marion was working on. I’m sure Marion won’t mind if I flog it on EBay. It’s spent its whole "life" in one cupboard or another. Don’t get me wrong, I was really chuffed about it, it was just that I had no idea what one did with an autographed picture of a band one quite likes… It was one of the things I thought I’d probably thrown away in the end ;-)
Other things include a diary containing embarrassing ten year old confessions and whingeings and also some mind-boggling poetry which I might publish in a future post (might need to create a new label ‘cringe’ for it). And also a little magical tale I wrote for English class once upon a time. I guess I must have been around fourteen or fifteen. I vaguely remember the point being to practice using adjectives. Remember this was in Switzerland, the rest of the class needed to learn English (although judging from some of the spelling and some of the bizarre sentences, so did I!). Anyway, there was a minimum number of different adjectives you had to use in your tale… (that’s my excuse and I’m sticking to it!)

Magic (No, clearly I didn’t spend too long thinking up an original title for my masterpiece)

Once upon a time, many centuries ago in a deep dark forest there was a little cottage in which a very old man with a long white beard lived. With him lived a tame eagle who guarded the house for him.

In the woods around the cottage there housed a big dangerous wolf. He had come from another forest near a huge castle in a little neighbouring kingdom named Grinokia. The wolf was a good friend of a nasty old witch who lived near the river on the other side of the woods.

In the very centre of the forest, where the trees were the thickest and it was as dark as night, there was a big cave. At the very back of this cave, where if you looked back you couldn’t see the entrance, the wolf had hidden an immense treasure which he had stolen from the castle. The most memorable object was a magic sword. It was long and thin but made of a strong material that was impossible to break. Embedded in the hilt was a beutifully clear blue sapphire. Because of the rich green glow that surrounded the whole sword it was obvious even to a person who knew nothing about such things that this was a very powerful magic object. But although the blue stone in the middle of it and the rare material made the weapon very costly, the most valuable piece of treasure was a small ring. It was made of pure gold and in the middle, surrounded by ten small but clear emeralds was the most lovely ruby you have ever seen.

Now in the middle of the same river the witch lived by, there was a little island. In the tunnels under the island there housed a cruel and greedy dragon who lived on the rats, mice and rabbits he found in the tunnels. On lucky days he might come across a mole or a badger but badgers were seldom in that part of the world. For years the dragon had tried to steal the treasure but because of the magic spell the witch had woven over it he had never succeeded. But now after he had journey a long way to find another witch who could break the spell he had a magic ring that had been given to him in the top room of a tower in a very distant land on the other side of a vast ocean.

So the dragon crept through the tunnels to the cave and touched the treasure. Immediatly the dragon was turned intoa beautiful princess. As she now remembered what had happened she took the magic sword in her arms and ran though the forest to the cottage. When she got there she called the bird inside and gave the old man the sword. Inmidst a great clap of thunder he changed back into a prince and the bird vanished. The prince lifted the sword and there, in the sapphire was ingraved the picture of a proud eagle in full flight.

On the dragon’s island there lived a small frog who had been instructed by the eagle to keep an eye on the great scaley beast. So he had followed the dragon everywhere, even over the sea on his flying carpet. Of course he had seen what had happened to the dragon the old man and the eagle and he decided to go and tell the prince’s father that his son was safe and sound and that he was bringing his bride back to the castle to get married. So the faithful frog got on his magic carpet and set off to look for the king. Quite soon he saw the royal carriage beneath him and asked the carpet to fly lower. When a flying carpet with a frog sitting on it swooped down on the carriage out of nowhere the king and his followers were most startled. But as the frog tried to climb through the window, the king began to screach. “Help! Help! Get it off!” he yelled. At once the royal guards attacked but the frog was already inside. “Please, your Majesty I have news of your son.” The king almost fainted: “Oh my sainted aunt, it speaks!” Then, as he realised what the frog had said: “My son? What of him? How is he?” As quickly as he could, the frog explained the situation. The royal horses were made to go their fastest so that the king would be back at the castle before the prince. Once he had arrived there the king set all his servants to preparing the wedding. As soon as the young couple arrived the wedding sermon began.
They had many sweet children and lived happily ever after.

Goodness me!
I’ve purposely copied the original spelling, phrasing and punctuation for maximum entertainment value, but man it was hard not to correct it! And the temptation to write scathing comments everywhere… astronomical! But I decided (very reluctantly) not to disturb the flow. But I’m sure you can imagine the missing asides more or less accurately…

Labels: chuckles, i'm special, literary genius?

Dear Alcohol,

First & foremost, let me tell you that I'm a huge fan of yours. As my friend, you always seem to be there when needed. The perfect post-work cocktail, a beer at the game, and you're even around in the holidays, hidden inside chocolates as you warm us when we're stuck in the midst of endless family gatherings. However, lately I've been wondering about your intentions. While I want to believe that you have my best interests at heart, I feel that your influence has led to some unwise consequences:

1. Phone calls: While I agree with you that communication is important, I question the suggestion that any conversation of substance or necessity takes place after 2 a.m. Why would you make me call those ex-boyfriends/girlfriends when I know for a fact they do not want to hear from me during the day, let alone all hours of the night?

2. Eating: Now, you know I love a good meal, but why do you suggest that I eat a kebab, a butter chicken curry along with a sausage with cheese, onion and mustard (washed down with WINE & topped off with a Kit Kat after a few sweet chilli and sour cream red rock chips)? I'm an eclectic eater, but I think you went too far this time.

3. Clumsiness: Unless you're subtly trying to tell me that I need to do more yoga to improve my balance, I see NO need to hammer the issue home by causing me to fall down. It's completely unnecessary, and the black & blue marks that appear on my body mysteriously the next day are beyond me. Similarly, it should never take me more than 45 seconds to get the front door key into the lock.

4. Furthermore: The hangovers have GOT to stop. This is getting ridiculous. I know a little penance for our previous evening's debauchery may be in order, but the 3pm hangover immobility is completely unacceptable. My entire day is shot. I ask that, if the proper precautions are taken (water, Vitamin B, bread products, aspirin) prior to going to sleep/passing out face down on the kitchen floor with a bag of popcorn, the hangover should be minimal & in no way Interfere with my daily activities.

Alcohol, I have enjoyed our friendship for some years now & would like to ensure that we remain on good terms. You've been the invoker of great stories, the provocation for much laughter, and the needed companion when I just don't know what to do with the extra money in my pockets.

In order to continue this friendship, I ask that you carefully review my grievances above & address them immediately. I will look for an answer no later than Friday 3pm (pre-happy hour) on your possible solutions & hopefully we can continue this fruitful partnership.


Thank you,

Your biggest fan


www.funny-haha.co.uk

Labels: chuckles, jokes